Pictures taken 1/25 - 1/31
Many people ask me how are doing? How are things going? My answer is usually, "I am doing okay or I am doing fine." Really, I am taking it minute by minute. That is all I can really do. There have been days since Lil Will went to rest with the angels that I have been able to go about my seemingly normal day without crying BUT there are days when it is all I can do to not cry all day. Grief is a process and we do not all go through the same stages of grief at the same time. William and I have realized that we do better when we are together. Several weeks ago, before Lil Will passed away, William booked a trip to go home to Omaha, so one of my good friends invited me to go out of town with her family so I wouldn't be alone since William was going to be out of town as well. During both our trips we found ourselves missing Lil Will so much, for months we spent our days with him and this weekend we found ourselves away from home & him, separately, something we didn't think would happen anytime soon.
For me, the day was busy running errands with friends, nothing big, but I think I began to miss him alot during two instances, I went to a sporting good store to buy an OU flag to put in my yard and there were OU booties and onesies, doesn't make alot of sense to you guys but during, my pregnancy, I told William all the time, we have to get the baby some OU gear! Boomer Sooner!! So, seeing it, I wanted to buy it but for what? Then, I went with my friends to another department store and saw one of those picture frames where you put a picture of your baby from age 0 to 12 months, I thought for a second, I should buy this, but then I could only put pictures to 6 months. (I still may go back and buy it, I think I need to celebrate the 6 months, still praying about it!) At the time, I was sad for a minute but went about the busyness of our day. Later that evening, you know when I was still, those feelings flooded my spirit again and I weeped for my baby. I weeped for the moments I will never share with him, to see him crawl, walk, talk, his first birthday, taking him to daycare, his first trip to the zoo and oh, so many other first. Don't get me wrong, I am still thankful that God gave me six awesome months with Lil Will, He didn't have to but He did and I will be forever grateful! But, I am a mom, I carried him for nine months and now he is gone. It is such a loss to deal with but thanks be to God, He is walking with me every step of the way. In that moment this past weekend, He was there, His presence was with me. There will be times in your life when you are alone or you feel alone, know you are never alone, God is always there. I love my husband dearly, but this past weekend, we each had to lean on the Lord in our time of grief. We did speak on the phone and shared our feelings and sent hugs to each other but ultimately, God was our comforter. He is a comforter, He is a mother to the motherless, a father to the fatherless, a friend to the friendless, He is whatever you are in need of, always. I am joyful knowing I can always call on the Lord. I love you Lord and thank you for all you have brought me through and for what you continue to show me. Thank You!!
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