Joy in spite of our circumstances.....

On 12/24, William and I found out that we were pregnant!! We have been trying for awhile now and honestly were getting discouraged. NOW, it sure was fun trying but our ultimate goal was not being reached, a baby! We shared the news with our family on Christmas day and the adventure began. Everything was going alone just fine until I was around 6 weeks and I began bleeding. I was in San Antonio for work with Melinda and April. I was a basket case. Our MFM docs there did a sono and told me I had a Sub Chorionic bleed, common in pregnancies and most often they absorb themselves but I needed to rest. My wonderful husband drove down to pick me up so I didn't have to fly back home. The bleeding stopped after two days. Had a sono the following Monday, baby heartbeat was good so we were happy. Had to go back in 7 days for follow up sono, that sono was even better, good picture of the baby and awesome heartbeat and no more bleeding. Went in for first OB visit on 1/31, all is well, uterus expanding, OB thinks we are out of the woods, we are 9 weeks now. The next appointment would be at 12 weeks to check the Nuchal Cord, so went to see Dr. Rinehart for this sono on 2/23. During the sono, I noticed when the tech measured the baby, my due date changed a month, being in the medical field, I immediately knew something was wrong. The tech then told us she was not getting a heartbeat. WHAT! This cannot be, why is this happening to us again. She left the room, William prayed, I cried, he held me, I prayed. A sense of peace came over me. Dr. Rinehart did another sono, then to make sure a vaginal sono, again another abdominal sono but the result was the same, our baby had died in utero. He suspects based on the sono results at 10 weeks. What did I do wrong? Did I eat something that wasn't good? Did the fibroid that I have suffocate the baby? Is this my fault? All of these thoughts fill my mind. My husband looked at me and said, this is not your fault, as if he was wondering around my mind as all these thoughts were racing through it? Logically, I know it is not my fault but how can you not think it may be. So, we leave Dr. Rineharts office and go across the hall to see Dr. Woodbridge, you know I absolutely love her. She was as heartbroken as we were. We scheduled the DNC for Thursday, 2/24, my parents 44th wedding anniversary and 2 months since we found out we were pregnant, how ironic? Now, we have to go home, feeling numb and I(we)have the vision of seeing my(our) angel on the sono screen, all formed but not breathing. That picture will probably be forever burned in my memory. This was Wednesday and we usually go to prayer meeting and bible study. In my mind, I was not interested in going to church. I asked William if we were going and he said yes. So we did, and I can tell you that although I weeped during the entire service, God blessed me through words of others and the Pastor. The series the Pastor is teaching is "Uncovering God's Secrets to Unspeakable Joy." How to still have joy in spite of your circumstance? You must put CHRIST first! Pastor Smith then went on to say that our circumstances are God ordained. They are selected just for us. Some circumstances are not for all people. He never gives us more than we can bear. I believe William and I both left church that night knowing, well we already knew it but it just was re-affirmed that our God is SOVEREIGN. We cannot question His actions. He loves us, He cares for us and He is never ever going to give us more than we can bear. So, that night, I rested peacefully. The next morning we went in for the DNC, although I was at peace, I still felt sad, anxious, should we try again? What is our next step? Is God wanting us to stop trying for now? William and I have a desire to be parents, God placed it in our hearts and we know He wants this for us. We talked with Dr. Woodbridge and she wants us to be aggressive either to adopt or continue to try to get pregnant after I heal from this miscarriage. BUT, what? William found a Christian based agency here in Dallas, Life Tree Adoption. He called them to find out if they had alot of African American Birth mothers, the lady he spoke with was so excited that we were looking to adopt AA babies. As many of you know, adoption is not cheap but we are trusting God to provide what we need. He already provided the $2000 we need to simply get started, so we are moving forward with Him. To love and nurture a child does not always have to be one that you carry for 9 months. I am a mother at heart, William is a father at heart and we are ready to share all of our love with a beautiful baby. Bilogical or not! There are many babies who need good homes and families and we know we have it to offer. We are busy filling out our application, making a scrapbook and writing a Dear Birthmother letter. Once completed, the process will be underway. We love each one of you who have stood beside us, walked with us, prayed with us and for us. You guys are the best! William and I will keep you posted on our adoption process and if we decide to try to have another baby. We want a couple or maybe 3 kids.....but notice I said that is what we want...we pray for God's will to be done in our lives. We love you Lord!

P.S. I would like to thank my parents not for the material things they provided but for the spiritual guidance they gave me from the time I could understand about church, the bible and God. You two, whether you know it or not prepared me for the road Wiliam and I are own right now. I know that he loves you both very much, he does not call you in-laws but parents (Mom & Dad)! Without the foundation you laid, I am not sure I could walk this journey out. We are thankful for our family, Mom & Dad, Tammy & Dennis, Melinda & Jason and our lil nephews. Jayden and Jason are sometimes just the medicine I need. God always provides our needs! We are also thankful for our dear brother and sister, Terry & Julie, sis, Anita, and our mom in Omaha! We love you all!!